We had an emergency this morning. Not Enough Bacon. It’ll be on CNN later today.

I exercised my emergency homeowner powers and appointed one especially responsible relative as today’s Guardian of The Bacon, an august position never before conceived or enacted. This person ensured that:

• Each person takes only two slices of The Bacon. Two and only two.
• No violence ensues as people covet others’ Bacon.
• Anyone exhibiting BDS (Bacon Derangement Syndrome) is quarantined and counseled.
• All recrimination for The 2021 Bacon Shortage is immediately shamed and deflected.

Later today I will slink out and find enough Bacon to satisfy the hordes through Christmas. Porcine animals, beware.